Naruto Rants
by Liah Cauthon
Summary: What happens when you mix a pissed off Author, a bunch of ninja and an inner with anger issues? This fic! This is done for stress relief only, so don't flame. Updates whenever the hell I want to. Rated for future language, and to be safe.
1. The Uchiha's Rants

Your Authoress, Liah walked up to a stage in the middle of nowhere, a blood red scroll in hand. "Ohayo, readers. It is I, Liah Cauthon. We are gathered here today because the Naruto cast has something to say. Sasuke and Itachi will begin." Sasuke and Itachi walked up to Liah and she handed Sasuke the scroll. "Ohayo. Itachi and I have some things to say about the Uchiha clan. One, get it through your thick heads, ITACHI AND I ARE THE ONLY UCHIHAS LEFT. We have no siblings who survived Itachi's onslaught, or were out of town when he went on a murderous rampage. Tobi might be Obito though, but that remains to be argued." "Two. I do not like my little brother. I also don't like Sakura, so the ItaSaku paring is stupid. Three, I would not like this Mary-Sue you speak of. I might feed her to Zetzu." "Like wise, I don't like Itachi. I want to kill him. I also don't like people in general. I'm anti-social and emo. Listening to Koi Wa A La Mode a few times might change the emo bit. It's impossible to not be happy while listening to it!" As Sasuke realized what he just said, he ran off into the crowd, blushing fiercely. "To conclude this chapter, I would like to add that Liah owns nothing, except herself, her inner, a few tons of books, a state alchemist watch, flamel necklace, one volume of Naruto manga, known as Teh Manga Of DHOOM!!!, and several Anime dvds. She is writing this for stress relief only, and to channel her anger for idiot authors who think very stupid things about us. Remember, flamers will be tsukioymi-fied!!" "Sayonara!!"


	2. Naruto's rant

Your Authoress, Liah Cauthon, poofs into existence on the stage again, this time holding a bright orange scroll. "Konichiwa readers! We're back with another stress relieving chapter of 'Naruto Rants' where your favorite characters rant at the idiot authors who think they know everything! This time Naruto Uzumaki is up!!" Timeskip!Naruto poofs onto the stage and takes the scroll from Liah. "Konichiwa! As you guys know, I'm the main character of the Anime and manga series 'Naruto'. Today, I'm going to speak to you about pairings. I know I'm the main character and all, but WTF is wrong with you guys?!?!?!!?!? I'm N-O-T gay, and the Harem pairings??? For Kami's sake people, be realistic!! Most of Konoha hates my guts, so why would girls suddenly throw themselves at me?? OC's are fine and dandy, but pairing me with a fucking bitch that has a demon more powerful than the Kyuubi no Kitsune?? That's bullshit!! No jinchukiri has a biju with more power than the nine-tails!! Also, quit paring me with everyone and their mom!!! And the yaoi! I'm a freaking pervert in the making, so why would I suddenly become gay and go out with Sasuke or some random guy I've barely talked to??" Naruto is left panting from yelling all that stuff. "Before I forget, I don't own anything 'cept my self." Liah said quickly. "One more thing, I do not say 'Believe it' At all. I don't say anything that means believe it, because IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING!!! I do say 'Dattebayo' though. It's meaningless, just a way to make a sentence longer."


	3. The Fangirl'sAuthors Rants

The Authoress appears once again on the stage in the middle of nowhere. This time she is holding a large green and purple scroll held closed with silver string. "Ohayo!! Today we have a few guests with us. Let me introduce .P A N D A C H A N.!!" A teenage girl with short black hair and blood red eyes stands up next to the authoress. "She's a friend from the Edward Elric guild on gaia. I call her Blood-san. We, along with other Fangirls are going to be ranting. Blood-san is going first." Blood takes the scroll from Liah and begins reading. "I am sick of hearing these:

"Fangirls give anime lovers a bad name"

"Fangirls should die" 

"Fangirls are just annoying idiots who think anime characters are real"

"I WILL NOT STAND FOR THE FANGIRLS POINTLESS COMMENTS ABOUT SUPPOSIDLY 'HOT' AND 'SMEXY' ANIME CHARACTERS!"

"Honestly, most fangirls aren't even Japanese and they talk in Japanese for fun, it pisses me off." 

"Everyone thinks that because fangirls are stupid, so are us other anime fans!"

"Fangirls are so annoying! They spend all their time on an anime! They totally waste it when they could be doing other stuff in their free time!" (thank you cocomuffin for telling me about that one)

"no because that is gay.

These people are only clinging onto a false culture derived from Japanese cartoons. They are consuming it so it becomes a part of their identities when they could probably ask their grandparents where their families come from, about their ancestors and learn more about themselves /that/ way but they would rather just sit around on their weaboo asses watching the latest Bleach episode because HOT MALE PROTAGONIST IS SO KAWAII."

IT FRIGGIN' PISSES ME OFF SO BAD... 

"Fangirls give anime lovers a bad name"

Oh really now? IT'S THANKS TO FANGIRLS THAT ANIME'S SUCH DAMN HUGE SUCCESS!!! US FANGIRLS ARE THE ONES BUYING THE OVERLY PRICED ANIME MERCHANDISE!!! US FANGIRLS ARE THE ONLY ONES ACTUALLY CARING TO BUY WHOLE SERIES OF MANGA, INSTEAD OF DOWNLOADING MANGA SCANS OFF THE INTERNET THEN QUICKLY DISPOSING OF THEM! WE'RE THE FRIGGIN' REASON THAT ANIME EXISTS IN AMERICA! IF IT WEREN'T FOR US, THEN THOSE ADORABLE LITTLE PLASTIC ANIME ACTION FIGURES WOULDN'T BE SELLING!!!

"Fangirls should die"

Oh, so now, YOU WANNA PLAY GOD. YOU, want to choose who gets impaled with swords through the neck and who doesn't, eh? Well guess what. The fake god up _there_ that such a large percentage of people seem to worship so much probably doesn't LIKE that! Keep thinking "Fangirls should die". You'll end up the one burning in the pits of hell while US FANGIRLS will be sitting there above you watching, laughing, pointing, and EATING POPCORN!!! 

"Fangirls are just annoying idiots who think anime characters are real"

You must be a real mental retard to think that fangirls ACTUALLY TRULY believe that anime characters are real. If you think that, then you're as stupid as you think fangirls are. Which, by the way, fangirls ARE NOT. Fangirls like me are actually very intelligent, and gifted with the imagination need to comprehend the facts in the anime and lay the facts in order, in their brain. Fangirls like me are completely capable of picturing episodes and re-watching them in their heads. Which is proof that, in fact, FANGIRLS ARE NOT IDIOTS. It's people like fangirls that become famous writers, poets, and...MANGA ARTISTS!

"I WILL NOT STAND FOR THE FANGIRLS POINTLESS COMMENTS ABOUT SUPPOSIDY 'HOT' AND 'SMEXY' ANIME CHARACTERS!"

Then don't. You know, you must be REALLY poor if you don't have a chair or something around where you are. And even so, you know, there is this thing called...the GROUND, that you CAN sit on.

"Honestly, most fangirls aren't even Japanese and they talk in Japanese for fun, it pisses me off."

Japanese is a foreign language. It is a very INTERESTING foreign language. Us talking in it is just like other people talking with words and phrases such as "Lyk", "ttly!", "OMG. That shirt is so cool!" Will someone please tell me what those mean? I don't think I can understand it. They are both languages. Only one is cool, and the other is preppy shit.

"Everyone thinks that because fangirls are stupid, so are us other anime fans!"

No duh people think YOU'RE stupid. Fangirls aren't though. Fangirls are probably embarrassed at this exact second that people compare them to YOU.

"Fangirls are so annoying! They spend all their time on an anime! They totally waste it when they could be doing other stuff in their free time!"

How so? Just because you think someone else is 'annoying' doesn't mean that it's true. In fact, fangirls probably think that your constant ranting AGAINST them is annoying. ACTUALLY, IT IS! We do not spend all our time on anime. The fact that I own a guild is proof that I'm not completely bent on anime. My guild is an anime guild--that's true. But it IS on gaia, which IS a message board site. And how do YOU not totally WASTE your time? YOU probably spend it in even less important things in life like listening to rap or watching One Tree Hill, or talking on the phone. BY WATCHING ANIME, FANGIRLS LEARN MORE ABOUT DRAWING STYLES. ANIME **IS NOT** A WASTE OF TIME! And WHY THE HELL DO **YOU** CARE HOW OTHER PEOPLE SPEND THEIR FREE TIME! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT IN HERE BEING FREE TIME! YOU GET TO CHOOSE WHAT YOU DO! SO STFU AND GO SCREW YOURSELF IF **THAT'S** WHAT YOU CONSIDER AN "UNWASTEFUL" WAY TO PASS TIME!!!

"no because that is gay.

These people are only clinging onto a false culture derived from Japanese cartoons. They are consuming it so it becomes a part of their identities when they could probably ask their grandparents where their families come from, about their ancestors and learn more about themselves /that/ way but they would rather just sit around on their weaboo asses watching the latest Bleach episode because HOT MALE PROTAGONIST IS SO KAWAII."

shut up, fuck up. Anime lovers DO have lives you know, outside of anime. You are just an idiot who is too wrapped up in his own little world to understand that the world doesn't revolve around him. And who the hell cares about their family history? Who gives a fuck? What's the point when people can be moving on to other more improved cultures? And false culture? Every culture is derived from somewhere. YOUR culture was probably once considered a "false culture". And your use of the word "gay" there is rather disturbing, because GUESS WHAT?!? I'M A FREAKING ANIME LOVER, AND I'M DAMN STRAIGHT (not that i have anything against gay people).

my point of this post was: 

MOVE ON TO THE FUTURE, PEOPLE! DON'T BE FUCKERS AND FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT OTHERS WANTING TO TRY NEW AND IMPROVED THINGS."

Blood is completely out of breath and blue in the face after the rant. She hands the scroll to Liah, who promptly unrolls it to her part. "Okays, it's my turn!! I'm going to present my most hated quote. "no because that is gay.

These people are only clinging onto a false culture derived from Japanese cartoons. They are consuming it so it becomes a part of their identities when they could probably ask their grandparents where their families come from, about their ancestors and learn more about themselves /that/ way but they would rather just sit around on their weaboo asses watching the latest Bleach episode because HOT MALE PROTAGONIST IS SO KAWAII."

You know what?? Most fangirls are gay, becase gay actualy means happy and not homosexual. And Anime is a part of my family becase my dad and my sister also watch it. Also, fangirls don't have to be anime lovers. They could be a fangirl of Matrim Cauthon or Rand al'Thor for example.  
I have officialy declared myself to be a Wrath fangirl. So I am now a Rabid Edward Elric/Alphonse Elric/Matrim Cauthon/Hatake Kakashi/Subaku no Gaara/Wrath fangirl. Also I like MCR. And Hannah Montanna. And Spin Doctors and Jethro Tull and Metalica, and whoever sings 'Getting Away with Murder', and Greenday,and Bowling for Soup, and Fall Out Boy and Nickelback and H.I.M. and pretty much everything my dad listens to." Yet another fangirl steps from the shadows and takes the scroll. She is wearing a big red ribbon in her hair and a crazy looking paper bag over her head.

"I am **Nandayo." **She states. " Here's my bit. Wow. That's sad. I'm proud when I admit I'm a fangirl, but I've never gotten messages like that. SAD! It's sad! It's THOSE people who actually don't have better things to do with their time, IMHO.

Although, I will say that SOMETIMES there are CERTAIN PARTS of the fangirl psyche that I do not abide with: ONE is fangirl Japanese. But that is only Japanese used in excess. "She put on her fuku as she counted to san, 'ichi, ni, san,' and put on her tabi. She crossed the tatami and opened the shouji, slipping on her zouji as she went. Alas, there was her nii-san. 'Nii-san, senshuu no shumatsu ni nani wo shimashita ka?' she asked, even though it had no relevance to context whatsoever." 

Inuyasha fanfics kill me with this. (Especially the ones where they try to tell you that you've spelled someone's name wrong. A Japanese name. With English characters. I could spell it Qhjk4r8iiiaenjks and tell you it's pronounced "ee-nyoo-yah-shah," and it would still be right.) BUT FRICK, BACK ON TOPIC.

In FmA, I tend to support things like calling Ed "Hagane no" and having Al call him "Nii-san". But after that, I tend to get angry. Why? Because they speak English in Amestris, mang!! 

Whoa. Enough of that. I am still 100 fangirl. And besides what I already said, I see nothing wrong with fangirlism. It's not a trait, but a state of mind. End of story."

**Renkinjutsushi Kioku ** takes the scroll next. "Why hate fangirls?" she says. "I mean, if you were to take them away, there would be no fans. For anything. And **every** female human has one thing in their life that they cherish. Be it Edward, apples, Alchemy... Therefore/In other words, if you were to get rid of fangirls, this world would end along with the Human race residing with it. D:"

Liah takes the scroll back. "Here are a few rules to avoid being an Idiot Fangirl.

**Rule Number 1:** Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this universe, learn how to spell. Learn proper grammar on punctuation. Multiple exclamation points with millions of number ones scattered in between are not correct. That also goes for using numbers in place of letters, and misspelling a word so as to make it shorter and easier to type. _(EX: 0rli iz teh s3xxorZ!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!11! i LuV h1m!11) _

**Rule Number 2: **Make it clear that you know the difference between fantasy and reality. Orlando Bloom is not your boyfriend, fiance, or anything else like that. Neither is Johnny Dep, Ashton Kutcher, or Elija Wood. Most of these actors already have girlfriends or wives, and some have kids. 

It is inappropriate to wish harm on an actor's (or actress's) significant other. This ill will is harmful in many ways and silly to boot; you've probably never even met any of these actors, so how do you know you even like them?

Also, these guidelines follow for Reverse Fangirls. If you don't like, say, Elija Wood, please don't type, "OmG!!1! ElIja ShUD DIEEE!!1" This is just as silly as being a fangirl.

**Rule Number 3: **Don't tell _everyone_ you see, who you are "madly" inlove with in the celebrity's world. And least of all why you're inlove with him/her.  
People don't really care about it, and are annoyed by it. If you have a secret fantasy about some celeb, fine. But keep it to yourself, instead of telling everyone: "Omg!!1 Orli is so hawt!! I LUVVE OrlI!!11". Or any other celeb.  
And don't go around saying you're gonna have "57428564395643574354278462378427" kids with some of them.. That is probably one of the most annoying thigs.. You know..  
When you actually think you have a chance.

**Rule Number 4: **Do not assume that everyone shares your love for said celebrity or fictional character. Taste in guys and/or girls is completely subjective, and though it may seem to you that no one could possibly find Orli/Johnny/Keira/Angelina ugly, there are millions of people out there who would rather vomit than even think about them. You need to realize that this is perfectly normal and does not give you free rein to declare, "OnLy FukkIn BsTrds Dnt LuFF OrLI!1!!11!" 

**Rule Number 5: **_No one _is going to think that it's cute if you squeal and talk loudly whilst your crush walks across the screen in a movie theatre. In fact, you're likely to have fifty angry people wishing for nothing more than to wring your freakish little neck for being such an obnoxious moron.

**Rule Number 5: **Please stop using the "You're just jealous" retort for everything. If we say that we find your incessant squealing annoying, informing us that we are just jealous makes absolutely no sense. No one is jealous that they can't squeal and be irritating like you. No one is jealous that they don't own half a million Legolas posters. No one is jealous that they don't type like a blind orangutan on Prozac. No one is jealous of you, _period_.

**Rule Number 6: **If you're a fan of a particular book series, please discuss it like you are a slightly intelligent and partially mature person.

Write in complete sentences already! With proper grammar! It cannot be repeated enough that nobody likes trying to figure out what you're trying to say with all those misspelled words and random numbers. 

Don't wish death upon imaginary people for harming your favorite imaginary person. Likewise, do not wish death upon the author for killing off a favorite character. He or she likely had a reason for doing it. So don't act like a child off its Ritalin and squeal, "OH NOES!11111ONEONEONEONEONE! ThEy KiLlEd (insert character here) oFf! BsTaRD!!!!!32WSONE!" Dude. Chill. It's just a book. A vessel for enjoyment, not semiretarded rants and arguments. Discuss something deep, like philosophical meaning or something.

If you just saw the movie based on the book, don't try to start stuff with the book fans. It only leads to immense headaches on both sides. Read the book (at least part of it) before you proclaim your insane, illiterate love for it.

**Rule Number 7: **_Cartoon characters are strictly that. Cartoons. Pixels. Lines and Colors. __  
__They cannot love you, reproduce with you, or even acknowledge your existence. __  
__Voice Actors don't like you, or appreciate you making them say stupid things into your tape recorder. It's sad._

**Rule Number 8:**** Making fan fiction is a great way to start writing. ****  
****But slash is just scary. ****  
****Don't make characters do things they wouldn't otherwise do. ****  
****This includes, but is not limited to : Pairings with characters that would change their sexual orientation, pairings with YOU (the author), and excessive straying from the character's normal ideals." **


End file.
